What I Believe

I am an immature naive teenage girl. I give in easy, I trust easy, I fall easy. I can be sensitive. I wouldn't say that I'm overly sensitive anymore because my feelings have toughened up over the years. I don't expect much from life anymore. I realized that we have to expect the unexpected. Don't get me wrong, I still have no regrets and will never have regrets in my past relationship experiences. It's best to just survive by yourself in the world out there and do what you love. I don't believe in love in relationships anymore. I believe in trust and communication when it comes to relationships. If you can't communicate, what is the point of being together? Love at first sight? Bullshit. It should be strong attraction upon first sight.

I've been having a lot of anger and unhappiness built up inside me because I have been so stuck and lost for the past couple of months. I'm still a little lost but I can still sense some direction on where I might be heading. I love watching Ru Paul's Drag Race because the competitors have so many interesting backstories about coming out and how their families reacted. Some said that they haven't officially 'come out' to their families yet during that time because they fear their reactions and the possibility of being disowned while some were already disowned for coming out. There were drag queens with supportive families as well. Really interesting. To be honest, I'm envious of those with supportive families because I'm assuming that not only do their families support them emotionally, they support them financially and drag ain't cheap AT ALL. But it's nice to know that there are accepting families that exist in this world. Oh, and the cussing on the show (bitch, whore, cunt, pussy, fuck, shit) is a bonus because it helps subside the hostility inside me.

Enjoy life, so fuck it. 

Guilty Pleasures

What's a guilty pleasure? 

Google tells me that it is "something, such as a film, television programme, or piece of music, that one enjoys despite feeling that it is not generally held in high regard."

I originally thought it meant something you enjoy but you feel guilty about it because you know others will feel negative towards it. Something that is socially illegal, in my opinion. But I'm wondering this: Are guilty pleasures mostly referring to films, TV shows, and music? For instance, my brother is a heavy smoker who smokes like he breathes air (a pack a day keeps him at bay). My mom used to encourage him to quit smoking like he promised to. She would buy him medicinal chewing gums, bring him to a psychologist (because he believes that he has a mental disorder that prevents him from quitting cigarettes) and let him do whatever he wanted. In the end, my mom caught my brother secretly smoking downstairs. Boom. He just wouldn't quit, he's still smoking till now. So do you think that smoking was my brother's guilty pleasure? I'm sure he did feel guilty at one point of time as my mom has sacrificed so much money and time for a lost cause since he lovessss smoking so darn much. Therefore, he smoked discreetly, out of my mother's sight to either not hurt her feelings or not hear her nag.

I guess people indulge in their guilty pleasures secretively like my brother did. I have guilty pleasures, I do. So here's my other question: Is it possible to delete guilty pleasures out of your system? You know that what you're doing isn't 'liked' by others, but you're gonna do it anyways because you enjoy it and at the same time, still care about how others feel about it.

I wonder. What if we can't help it.

Accept

Right now, I wouldn't say life has been going smoothly. I would feel discomfort, anger, desire and sometimes 'missing' every single day. Friends are scarce in my life right now, because:

1.  the most recent good pals I made are in America. 
2. my high school friends are busy with their school lives.
3. my work friends are working and my mom doesn't really approve of me hanging out with them so often because she thinks they might be a bad influence urgh

Let me tell you something, I wasn't influenced in any way by my friends. It's not like I'm easily swayed by their opinions and purely make my life decisions based on them. I have a brain that can make choices. I would say my friends giving me their thoughts on my life resembles more of a debate. Some say no, some say yes, but at the end of the day, I make the final judgment for what I want to do with my life. I don't blame them at all and I stick by my decisions. I take full responsibility. Most of them encourage me to break free from my mom. I love my mom, yes, but I have made so many sacrifices in order to give her the "ideal daughter" image. I joined yoga because of her and I HATE YOGA. Yes, I know it's good for me. I didn't spend my time learning music because she told me, "Music is useless." in a resentful tone. I didn't go out with friends as frequent as I wanted to because she DOESN'T LIKE IT. There are so many things that I like but she doesn't. Well, maybe it's the generational gap that is to blame. She is unbelievably and stubbornly old-fashioned, I guess. If that's to blame, then we're never gonna work out. When she's happy, I'm unhappy. When I'm happy, she's unhappy. We're never gonna be BOTH happy and I know that.

I know, I know. She's my mom who has made plenty of sacrifices as well for her children. I appreciate them, yes I do. That's why I am willing to make certain sacrifices in the first place! But I can't keep going on like this forever. Let me give you an example to help understand how I actually feel:

Let's say I'm gay but I'm interested in a girl and we're close to becoming steady together.

I finally mustered the courage to tell my mom these two words ("I'm gay"), but she shoots me down and says, "No, you're not."

When I assert her that yes, I am gay, she asks whether I have a girlfriend. I tell her not yet but she breathes a sigh of relief and begs me to forget this whole gay thing and just continue living life like we used to. When I refuse and tell her that I actually have this girl who I'm really into, she gives me an ultimatum to cut her off or she'll kick me out. Then my mom goes on about how much she has struggled for us, and how she has never felt so devastated in her life.

However, I don't feel guilty and I can't just sweep my gayness under the carpet. I'm sorry for not feeling bad for her but it's the truth: I'm gay. You can't change how I feel. She blames the girl for turning me gay and can't stop repeating how I didn't "use to be like this".

Now, she NEVER mentions about me being gay and I avoid talking to that girl I'm into around her. But I am gay. She still can't accept the truth. It's like she hopes that I un-gay myself in the future by splashing holy water around my room and praying to the food before she gives it to me. Also, lecturing me on how gays don't work and never will everyday, how society will never accept gays blah blah blah.

The whole gay thing is just a cover-up of the thing she actually strongly disapproves of, and I don't wanna specify. I'm sorry, I really am. You killed my heart that used to beat for you when you were being supportive. My trust for you has faded too, I don't trust anyone now.

What I wish now, is to make it on my own.