???

We met, we spoke, we shared.

You showed me you cared.

Together, we laughed and cried.

I thought we were close. I'm surprised.

I guess it's expected, but I had trust

In your words, your heart. You always wanted the truth.

But right now I hardly see any proof

That you still have any interest in me for the right reasons.

Just tell me straight, rip out that band-aid.

I'm sick and tired of waiting in uncertainty.

But the memories we had together, words you said,

I'll remember them forever and always, keep that in mind.

I rather have you tell me that you lost all feelings for me then just suffer in silence and confusion. But you did tell me one time that you can't let me go.

My Answer to 7 Strange Questions: Q3

Q3. WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT AND POOP?

Ultimately, this question is asking for my PASSION. What is my passion? I know I used to spend a whole lot time on blogging. I started blogging ever since I met my close friend in Primary 4 who had a blog and a bunch of diaries. When I was in Primary 4, I was only 10 years old. I added a lot of widgets, customized my templates, edited pictures and did research online on how to make my blog "better" for my readers. I didn't care who or how many people were actually reading it. I just liked getting my thoughts out there instead of bottling them all inside.

Not only blogging, I got into drawing too, then origami, then scrapbooking, then dancing, then writing poems, vlogging, then writing videos, then handicraft, then painting, then sewing and finally cosplaying. Overall, I like creating and trying out new things. I enjoy admiring my masterpiece and sharing it on the internet where other people can see. That's what makes me forget my meals and bowel movement. My passion for creation. I also do like helping others too. I tend to put others' needs before mine but often taken advantage of, especially by my family. I would have done so many things differently if I wasn't hindered by my family's criticisms.

To find out all 7 Strange Questions that will help you find your purpose in life, click here.

My New Loyal Obsession (MNLO)

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@konatamei

My Answers to 7 Strange Questions: Q2

Q2. What is true about you today that would make your 8-year-old self cry?

I was a really sensitive kid when I was growing up. I was easily ashamed and frightened. Easily ashamed because my mom would use body-shaming a lot as one of her disciplinary methods. Easily frightened because my mom would surprise me with smacks and whacks with her hand or a wooden cane. She was also overprotective and never really taught me how to 'fish' (reference to that life philosophy of fishing). I was like a thin fragile piece of glass that has been tipped over the edge of falling over and over again. With my enhanced sense of humiliation, I was teased a lot in school for my weight. Being an overprotective mother as she is, she fed me like there was no tomorrow day by day and ultimately I became a really cute and chubby girl. I was one of the tallest in the class, but that still didn't justify my chubbiness. Right now, I'm not tall, I'm average. My size? Average too. I ain't skinny or oversized. I'm average. I guess that would make my 8-year-old version of me disappointed because I used to hope that puberty would help me out in becoming drop dead gorgeous. But to cheer my 8-year-old self up, I'm CUTE instead.

Another thing would be how I obsessed with sexuality. Maybe it's just a phase, but I'm pretty sure I'm a hentai. As I have declared before, I'm a bisexual. But my 8-year-old self will understand and accept that. I realized I was a really accepting child when I was 8 years old. Forget that.

When I was 8 years old, I would cry when I feel a sense of abandonment, rejection, and failure. I believe me not getting to go to a university just like my brother and sister would kind of upset me. However, the most upsetting one would be how my family would label me as "stupid". Not just my family, other people too. Yes, I may be ignorant on most things but I am willing to learn and absorb. So please don't start off your comment on my ignorance with "Are you stupid? How can you not know this?" because that definitely affects my self-esteem and eventually you may be part of the blame for my possible suicide.

Also, I know that I can make stupid decisions from time to time. At least I accept the fact that I do, instead of giving myself excuses and explaining to others why it was sensible for me to make the WRONG decision, unlike SOME people. But before you start judging me, take a good look at yourself. Are you incredibly SUCCESSFUL in life? Have you not EVER made stupid decisions before? Are you PERFECT? If your answer is no to any of these questions, then shut the fuck up. And leave me alone.

So to my 8-year-old self, the world is unfair. Some people will call you stupid and demoralize you, not only in primary school. It'll last all the way to adolescence for sure, and most likely even to adulthood. I'm sorry to let you know that. It's okay to cry.

To find out all 7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Purpose in Life, click here.

Let Go.

This must be how it feels to let go. We were going strong in the beginning, had a few rocky moments but we still made it through them and returned to normal. But then, things started to sink for no reason.

I get it. You're moving on. Or should I say, you've moved on.

I always wanted to believe in us working out in the end because I have heard of LDRs succeeding eventually, and we were so strong most of the time, at least to me.

I have personal experience to know that dragging things out isn't the best solution for both parties, so when there are red flags (like my insecurities & anxiety) popping up, I believe it's best to cut the wire before I fall too deep as you "go" away.

I must have fallen for you hard, because it hurts. And the funny thing is that I made the choice to let you go. It's for the best.

I'm Bi

No, I am not confused.

No, it's not a teenage phase.

No, I have not experimented with anyone.

But yes, I am bisexual. I do feel attraction for girls the same way I feel for guys. To be honest, I was crushing on girls first before guys. I remember my first time kissing a friend on a cheek because I got excited. It was a she, and if I don't remember wrong, it was a white girl. It was during my first year in primary school. I don't remember how but we clicked really well. We talked, shared secrets and played together during recess. But it only lasted for less than a year because she had to move back to the US. We're still friends on Facebook though, but not in touch. She's back in Singapore now and it turns out that she graduated from the Singapore American school (pardon my Facebook stalking). I just realized that I only stalk girls (not ALL THE TIME but OCCASIONALLY). Not because of jealousy, but the opposite and I do not want to sound like a pervert. Now, I do get nervous when a girl holds my hand, even casually. My heart skips a beat when my female friends lean their heads on my shoulder. However, when guys make contact with me like a hug, I feel the same.

Don't get me wrong, I do like guys, but only when guys are attracted to me first. I did have high school crushes but believe me, they were short-lived. Ya see, I think all guys are either douchebags or obsessively dumb. Maybe the reason why I think that way is due to my lack of dating experience. But my faith in guys to be "decent" is incredibly low. Girls, on the other hand, are much sweeter and I enjoy embracing girls more. However, I assure you that I am not a lesbian. Or maybe not yet.

What I Believe

I am an immature naive teenage girl. I give in easy, I trust easy, I fall easy. I can be sensitive. I wouldn't say that I'm overly sensitive anymore because my feelings have toughened up over the years. I don't expect much from life anymore. I realized that we have to expect the unexpected. Don't get me wrong, I still have no regrets and will never have regrets in my past relationship experiences. It's best to just survive by yourself in the world out there and do what you love. I don't believe in love in relationships anymore. I believe in trust and communication when it comes to relationships. If you can't communicate, what is the point of being together? Love at first sight? Bullshit. It should be strong attraction upon first sight.

I've been having a lot of anger and unhappiness built up inside me because I have been so stuck and lost for the past couple of months. I'm still a little lost but I can still sense some direction on where I might be heading. I love watching Ru Paul's Drag Race because the competitors have so many interesting backstories about coming out and how their families reacted. Some said that they haven't officially 'come out' to their families yet during that time because they fear their reactions and the possibility of being disowned while some were already disowned for coming out. There were drag queens with supportive families as well. Really interesting. To be honest, I'm envious of those with supportive families because I'm assuming that not only do their families support them emotionally, they support them financially and drag ain't cheap AT ALL. But it's nice to know that there are accepting families that exist in this world. Oh, and the cussing on the show (bitch, whore, cunt, pussy, fuck, shit) is a bonus because it helps subside the hostility inside me.

Enjoy life, so fuck it. 

Guilty Pleasures

What's a guilty pleasure? 

Google tells me that it is "something, such as a film, television programme, or piece of music, that one enjoys despite feeling that it is not generally held in high regard."

I originally thought it meant something you enjoy but you feel guilty about it because you know others will feel negative towards it. Something that is socially illegal, in my opinion. But I'm wondering this: Are guilty pleasures mostly referring to films, TV shows, and music? For instance, my brother is a heavy smoker who smokes like he breathes air (a pack a day keeps him at bay). My mom used to encourage him to quit smoking like he promised to. She would buy him medicinal chewing gums, bring him to a psychologist (because he believes that he has a mental disorder that prevents him from quitting cigarettes) and let him do whatever he wanted. In the end, my mom caught my brother secretly smoking downstairs. Boom. He just wouldn't quit, he's still smoking till now. So do you think that smoking was my brother's guilty pleasure? I'm sure he did feel guilty at one point of time as my mom has sacrificed so much money and time for a lost cause since he lovessss smoking so darn much. Therefore, he smoked discreetly, out of my mother's sight to either not hurt her feelings or not hear her nag.

I guess people indulge in their guilty pleasures secretively like my brother did. I have guilty pleasures, I do. So here's my other question: Is it possible to delete guilty pleasures out of your system? You know that what you're doing isn't 'liked' by others, but you're gonna do it anyways because you enjoy it and at the same time, still care about how others feel about it.

I wonder. What if we can't help it.

Accept

Right now, I wouldn't say life has been going smoothly. I would feel discomfort, anger, desire and sometimes 'missing' every single day. Friends are scarce in my life right now, because:

1.  the most recent good pals I made are in America. 
2. my high school friends are busy with their school lives.
3. my work friends are working and my mom doesn't really approve of me hanging out with them so often because she thinks they might be a bad influence urgh

Let me tell you something, I wasn't influenced in any way by my friends. It's not like I'm easily swayed by their opinions and purely make my life decisions based on them. I have a brain that can make choices. I would say my friends giving me their thoughts on my life resembles more of a debate. Some say no, some say yes, but at the end of the day, I make the final judgment for what I want to do with my life. I don't blame them at all and I stick by my decisions. I take full responsibility. Most of them encourage me to break free from my mom. I love my mom, yes, but I have made so many sacrifices in order to give her the "ideal daughter" image. I joined yoga because of her and I HATE YOGA. Yes, I know it's good for me. I didn't spend my time learning music because she told me, "Music is useless." in a resentful tone. I didn't go out with friends as frequent as I wanted to because she DOESN'T LIKE IT. There are so many things that I like but she doesn't. Well, maybe it's the generational gap that is to blame. She is unbelievably and stubbornly old-fashioned, I guess. If that's to blame, then we're never gonna work out. When she's happy, I'm unhappy. When I'm happy, she's unhappy. We're never gonna be BOTH happy and I know that.

I know, I know. She's my mom who has made plenty of sacrifices as well for her children. I appreciate them, yes I do. That's why I am willing to make certain sacrifices in the first place! But I can't keep going on like this forever. Let me give you an example to help understand how I actually feel:

Let's say I'm gay but I'm interested in a girl and we're close to becoming steady together.

I finally mustered the courage to tell my mom these two words ("I'm gay"), but she shoots me down and says, "No, you're not."

When I assert her that yes, I am gay, she asks whether I have a girlfriend. I tell her not yet but she breathes a sigh of relief and begs me to forget this whole gay thing and just continue living life like we used to. When I refuse and tell her that I actually have this girl who I'm really into, she gives me an ultimatum to cut her off or she'll kick me out. Then my mom goes on about how much she has struggled for us, and how she has never felt so devastated in her life.

However, I don't feel guilty and I can't just sweep my gayness under the carpet. I'm sorry for not feeling bad for her but it's the truth: I'm gay. You can't change how I feel. She blames the girl for turning me gay and can't stop repeating how I didn't "use to be like this".

Now, she NEVER mentions about me being gay and I avoid talking to that girl I'm into around her. But I am gay. She still can't accept the truth. It's like she hopes that I un-gay myself in the future by splashing holy water around my room and praying to the food before she gives it to me. Also, lecturing me on how gays don't work and never will everyday, how society will never accept gays blah blah blah.

The whole gay thing is just a cover-up of the thing she actually strongly disapproves of, and I don't wanna specify. I'm sorry, I really am. You killed my heart that used to beat for you when you were being supportive. My trust for you has faded too, I don't trust anyone now.

What I wish now, is to make it on my own.

You Do You

Sometimes, I feel like resigning myself to the world. Yes, I'm stupid. I'm sick in the head. I'm foolish. But I'm still here, ain't I? I know that I have a soft heart of gold, but do I have no self-respect? I do. I'm just unashamed to give everything a chance. I have the same respect for myself as I do for other people. Those who made life choices to be strippers? Good for you! Those who pursue music despite being salary-less? Awesome. Those who believe in what they believe like voodoo dolls and fortune tellers? You do you. Seriously, I raised myself to never be a judgemental bitch. I accept people for the way they wanna be. Everyone has his or her own reasons for being a certain way. It's like that anime, Naruto. Every villain in that anime always has a backstory to explain why he/she is evil (I think there are some exceptions like Hidan and Kakuzu because I think they're just plainly crazy or greedy). I trust that all of us are wary of the right things to do.  Here's a random example to support my idea:

Yeah, pursuing a law degree would be badass and lawyers do earn a lot of money and my parents are lawyers and they want me to be a lawyer blah blah blah

But...

I like music. But my parents hate music. But music saved my life. But a musician isn't a stable job.

For all the BUTs in life, please STOP.

Do you wanna grow up having regrets in your life and being unhappy for other people's sake? Even you fail in doing what you love to do, at least you gave it a chance and you hopefully learned from your mistakes. You'll definitely gain valuable experience that is eternally useful in the journey of life. Life is like an ECG reading of a heartbeat. It's perfectly normal to have ups and downs. When your heartbeat is completely flat, that means you ain't living life right and you're dead.

Right now I'm still looking for my purpose in life, where I belong, what and who I am. I don't know. I'm still a teenager, searching for her identity.

Free

There are so many things that I hid and hide from you for a lifetime.

Things that are unconventional and crazy. Is it because of the generational gap, or just me wanting to be out of the ordinary?

I still wish to dye my hair purple after 3 years.

I still wish to get a tattoo after a couple of months.

I still wish to return to the States, regardless of being friendless.

I feel like you choose to be open-minded about certain things, but then the opposite for others. I don't blame you because you're the typical strict Asian parent, plus your thinking is really old-fashioned.

You made me care and worry so much so the past that I don't want to bother with what you think anymore.

These wants may disappear one day in the future, I know, and then you'd say, "See? I told you so. You don't want them anymore, do you?". But getting these wants do not change who I am inside. But in fact, I am happier. I'm sick of taking the alternatives to what is acceptable. I want to freely express myself, my personality, my likes, my dislikes, my whatever.

I rather be alone than be constrained.

If you're not gonna accept who I am, I'm gonna break free.

I

I know what I'm made of.

I know where I come from.

I know what I've done.

I know what I need to do.

I know what I'm doing.

I understand where you're coming from.

But stop saying that I am your responsibility. I can be responsible for my own actions. I am myself. I know what I want.

I know what you're doing too.

Shattered

They tried to break me.

They think I was brainwashed because I used to be so obedient when I was secretly rebellious. I was into unconventional things that no Asian parent would permit like hair-dyeing and tattoos.

I dreamt my life to end with a romance Anime story.

But it's impractical, they said.

No one will be there for you.

I made the call, but no one listened. They said I was being naive.

I guess I am naive. But let me fall and learn. Don't break me.

Don't break me.

Be strong, Meiling. You only have you now. Be strong for yourself. All this will be over soon.

The Cost of Freedom

What does it mean, to be happy?

Is it being successful?

Is it doing what you love?

I've heard a saying, "Fight for your happiness". Doesn't the word "Fight" imply anger and unsatisfaction to you? It implies determination too, but what happens when you finish the "fight for happiness"? Are you happy eternally?

I was unhappy before, when I first went back to the States alone without the companionship of my mother. My mother and I have never stayed apart for more than a semester. But after being by myself for two semesters, I met really friendly people and made a ton of trustworthy and fun friends. I met someone who gets me and we grew closer as time passed. I finally felt free and happy during my final semester in the US. However, that happiness was short-lived. Lots of family drama happened. I didn't want to leave the States but I made a promise with my mom to return to Singapore. I came back home with a heavy heart, hoping I could return to the States and complete my university education there. But I couldn't. My mom can't stand the thought of me leaving her ever again, especially the fact that I found someone who I like. She demanded me to cut off all ties with him because he's not worth it. She called me names like "cheap" and "slut". She gave me ultimatums like it's her or America. If I choose America, she'll kick me out of the house. She even gave me suicide threats if I ever decide to leave her. She strongly believes that I don't love her anymore, but she can't bear to watch me possibly suffer in America.

It's not that I don't love her anymore, which by the way, I do very much. It's just I've grown more independent. I can take care of myself. I can make my own decisions. I am willing to take responsibility for my own actions. I have more confidence in myself. I'm not a mommy's girl like I was before. I'm growing up. But my mom won't let me.

I feel trapped. Caged. Right now I'm staying in Singapore for her sake, and also because she's still supporting me financially. I want to find a job that I'm passionate about and earn my own money, but she keeps getting in the way. The jobs she basically wants me to take are the ones with her connections, like her old workplace, her friend's office, and her current workplace which is Kumon. I am fine by myself, I don't want to seem like a girl who still needs her mommy by her side to work. I did apply to a bunch of jobs on my own, but the job market is really competitive and nobody wants a teenager or a newbie.

Anyways, right now I'm preparing for my GED and SAT tests. I need a GED because I don't have my high school diploma and SATs because I didn't attend JC or Poly here in SG. My life in America has been dumped into a bin just like that, because of personal reasons. I am truly grateful to my mom for all the sacrifices in the past but I feel that her unconditional love, isn't truly unconditional. She keeps repeating her past deeds she has done for the family, how much she has suffered, how underprivileged she is and how unthankful all her kids are. She repeats them so many times to the extent that it sounds like she's bragging or asking something for return. It was her way of guilt-tripping me every time. Even though she admits that she doesn't want anything in return, she does. She wants me to do what she wants. She would threaten me with bad karma, saying "A disobedient child is an evil child" or "Making your mother unhappy is one way to go to hell." I get frightened by these thoughts because I believe in my religion. Thus, I end up giving in. I don't want to go to hell.

I'm sorry Ma, but I'm not that submissive and obedient little girl anymore.

I want to dye my hair blonde, purple, rainbow, all kinds of crazy colors.

I want to wear leggings with a crop top (She thinks it's slutty to wear like that).

I want to tattoo meaningful things on certain parts of my body.

I want to be free.

But then I realize, most of my wants require money. I ain't anything without money. So freedom... I can't attain freedom yet.

One day I will. One day I will break free.

My Answers to 7 Strange Questions: Q1

I was just "looking for my purpose in life", by typing that exact phrase into the Google search tab and clicking 'Enter'. I then came across an article entitled "7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose". Frankly, the questions aren't that strange or weird but they are thought-provoking and unique. Instead of the typical "What are you passionate about?" and "What are your goals?", this one fits the bill for determining what you NEED to do and WHAT to pursue the search of your "life purpose". Thus, let me now answer these 7 questions (individually because I don't wanna cram them all in a blog post & create an eye sore of words) and probably have a clear idea on what I actually want to define my life to be.

1. What is your favorite shit flavor of sandwich and does it come with an olive?
This question is basically asking, "What sort of crap are you willing to tolerate in order to achieve success?". Based on my previous experiences with rejections, I had my handmade crafts unappreciated or worse, thrown away plenty of times by my friends and family. My handicraft gifts would take a minimum of 5 hours to make and I take every one of my projects seriously. What's more, the fingers hurt the most after every project due to my lack of professional crafting equipment. But I was always left satisfied as well every time I finish a project. I would take pictures and admire my work and then boast about it on social media.

Another thing, I used to dream about being a YouTuber and I finally made my first scripted video, "How YouTubers Make Their Videos". It was basically me talking to the camera about reenacting famous YouTubers' taglines and their signature "funny" move. For instance, Jenna Marbles' constant swearing and Ryan Higa's ranting. However, after I posted the video on Facebook, I was laughed at in school the next day and thought to myself, "This was a mistake". That's when I made all my videos private and deleted my Youtuber dream from my memory of goals.

I think blogging could be one other thing I am passionate about too, because I have received tons of crap from friends and family about my other personal blog. About how insensitive I was towards other people's privacy, posting their pictures without their permission and other sort of crap like that. Even after all that, I still continued blogging my emotions out. I even blogged my mental breakdowns, my sorrows, my fears and my unhappiness. Basically, blogging saved me. I did delete that blog for a period of time because I realized how foolish I used to be, but then we all have a side of us we wish to hide but when that side of us is revealed, we feel much more lighter and at ease. So yeah, I am proud to be a blogger, regardless of what other people say.

Girls Are Like Apples on Trees (+ My Edition)

However, some girls can't 

Wait long enough. They start questioning themselves, 

Thinking whether the problem lies in them. When the girl on top

Notices a boy waiting below the tree, admiring her from afar. She knows the 

Boy is interested in her. When the boy hints at her to come down, She feels excited

and obliges, not actually knowing what the boy is actually like. She could have

Fallen for his trap, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. He didn't even attempt to

Climb up the tree. All he did was smile and wait. Could he think that

You're an easy target?

Or a fruit that is over-ripe

And will fall for him

Eventually, by itself.

I found the poem "Girls are like apple on trees" from Pinterest. I'm unsure on who the author is but I am assuming that this is written by a female because of the gentle tone in the poem and the simplistic writing style. I just wanted to add my edition on the comparison of girls and apples on trees based on my experience. I have waited the longest time for a guy to genuinely like me for who I am and share the same interests with me. Someone I can be myself around with, someone I can talk to and trust. Not someone hungry or desperate for me, tugging me climb down the tree with him by force. Not someone who lures me into his trap and plans to take advantage of me in the future without having to put in any effort. Maybe the bad things that occur to my tree are due to karma, or they're just obstacles my tree has to face to become stronger.

Stop obsessing, Mei. Don't worry about what's going on below.

Focus on yourself first. Stay on top. Be your best. 

Kanbatte.

Jobs

Since I have graduated with an associate's degree in Allied Health Sciences and have zero experience working in the Healthcare field, I have to go for the low-paying and laborious jobs like in the F&B and Beauty industries. I have applied for restaurants and stores that I am interested in, mostly Japanese and Korean ones because I have a fondness for these two particular countries. Some examples are Etude House, NBC, Kinokuniya, llaollao, Sogurt and more. Two jobs I really want are Yoogane (have the highest pay per hour rate, nice manager) and Innisfree (double pay on public holidays). I have been hired by Innisfree for the weekends and public holidays and by Pizza Hut for weekdays, but might be considering taking the Yoogane job as a day job on weekdays. The reason why I took the Pizza Hut job is because it's 5 minutes away from my house and for some reason, my mom is dying for me to work there. She never stops mentioning Pizza Hut every time I say something job-related. She wanted me to work at Kumon with her but I strongly object to that because I seriously don't want MY world to revolve around her ONLY. I want to make my own decisions, I want my own life. She's still trying to turn me back into those quiet, obedient and spineless Asian daughters. I used to be like that, always crying to mommy whenever I face a problem. No, Mom. I can be independent. I can be responsible for my own decisions. I may be easily influenced by people, but I know what I'm doing. You might see my actions to be morally wrong because they go against your old-fashioned Asian cultural morals or whatever. Please be ready for me to spread my wings and fly away to where my heart tells me to go. I'm sorry for disappointing you so much because I followed my heart.

Where & Who I Am Now

Been through one of the most fun, exciting, upsetting and memorable semesters in the States, I am now back home in Singapore with my parents who are completely against my acceptance of the American lifestyle. My dad is mostly nonchalant but is on the verge of retiring from work while my mom is struggling to see what type of person I have become. Braver, stronger, more feisty and less vulnerable. I have to admit that I did hide the truth from her because I knew for a fact that she can never accept it despite not knowing the entire truth. She is stubborn, unpredictable, contradictory and jumps to conclusions immediately without question. She judges people blindly, based on race, age, basically as little facts as she knows. I understand that she's the woman who gave birth to me, made countless of sacrifices for me and wishes to give me the best of the best.

However, everything she does for me is conditional.

"I'm doing this FOR YOUR OWN GOOD."

"Karma will strike you when you treat me like that."

"You will be nothing but happy with him. There's no point."

These two descriptive words are what I loathe hearing the most: Controlling and judgemental.
I know how to be responsible. If I am not, I'm on my way there. And I feel like we have different understandings of different words. What it means to be a good daughter. What it means to be loving. What it means to be understanding. What it means to be happy.

I am sorry that I have disappointed you so much. But I have the freedom to choose who I wish to be. I will take full responsibility for it. But please, don't keep me locked up in a cage forever. Let me face the struggles and live life myself.

It's my life. I love you, and that's the truth.