Is it being successful?
Is it doing what you love?
I've heard a saying, "Fight for your happiness". Doesn't the word "Fight" imply anger and unsatisfaction to you? It implies determination too, but what happens when you finish the "fight for happiness"? Are you happy eternally?
I was unhappy before, when I first went back to the States alone without the companionship of my mother. My mother and I have never stayed apart for more than a semester. But after being by myself for two semesters, I met really friendly people and made a ton of trustworthy and fun friends. I met someone who gets me and we grew closer as time passed. I finally felt free and happy during my final semester in the US. However, that happiness was short-lived. Lots of family drama happened. I didn't want to leave the States but I made a promise with my mom to return to Singapore. I came back home with a heavy heart, hoping I could return to the States and complete my university education there. But I couldn't. My mom can't stand the thought of me leaving her ever again, especially the fact that I found someone who I like. She demanded me to cut off all ties with him because he's not worth it. She called me names like "cheap" and "slut". She gave me ultimatums like it's her or America. If I choose America, she'll kick me out of the house. She even gave me suicide threats if I ever decide to leave her. She strongly believes that I don't love her anymore, but she can't bear to watch me possibly suffer in America.
It's not that I don't love her anymore, which by the way, I do very much. It's just I've grown more independent. I can take care of myself. I can make my own decisions. I am willing to take responsibility for my own actions. I have more confidence in myself. I'm not a mommy's girl like I was before. I'm growing up. But my mom won't let me.
I feel trapped. Caged. Right now I'm staying in Singapore for her sake, and also because she's still supporting me financially. I want to find a job that I'm passionate about and earn my own money, but she keeps getting in the way. The jobs she basically wants me to take are the ones with her connections, like her old workplace, her friend's office, and her current workplace which is Kumon. I am fine by myself, I don't want to seem like a girl who still needs her mommy by her side to work. I did apply to a bunch of jobs on my own, but the job market is really competitive and nobody wants a teenager or a newbie.
Anyways, right now I'm preparing for my GED and SAT tests. I need a GED because I don't have my high school diploma and SATs because I didn't attend JC or Poly here in SG. My life in America has been dumped into a bin just like that, because of personal reasons. I am truly grateful to my mom for all the sacrifices in the past but I feel that her unconditional love, isn't truly unconditional. She keeps repeating her past deeds she has done for the family, how much she has suffered, how underprivileged she is and how unthankful all her kids are. She repeats them so many times to the extent that it sounds like she's bragging or asking something for return. It was her way of guilt-tripping me every time. Even though she admits that she doesn't want anything in return, she does. She wants me to do what she wants. She would threaten me with bad karma, saying "A disobedient child is an evil child" or "Making your mother unhappy is one way to go to hell." I get frightened by these thoughts because I believe in my religion. Thus, I end up giving in. I don't want to go to hell.
I'm sorry Ma, but I'm not that submissive and obedient little girl anymore.
I want to dye my hair blonde, purple, rainbow, all kinds of crazy colors.
I want to wear leggings with a crop top (She thinks it's slutty to wear like that).
I want to tattoo meaningful things on certain parts of my body.
I want to be free.
But then I realize, most of my wants require money. I ain't anything without money. So freedom... I can't attain freedom yet.
One day I will. One day I will break free.
No comments:
Post a Comment