Shattered

They tried to break me.

They think I was brainwashed because I used to be so obedient when I was secretly rebellious. I was into unconventional things that no Asian parent would permit like hair-dyeing and tattoos.

I dreamt my life to end with a romance Anime story.

But it's impractical, they said.

No one will be there for you.

I made the call, but no one listened. They said I was being naive.

I guess I am naive. But let me fall and learn. Don't break me.

Don't break me.

Be strong, Meiling. You only have you now. Be strong for yourself. All this will be over soon.

The Cost of Freedom

What does it mean, to be happy?

Is it being successful?

Is it doing what you love?

I've heard a saying, "Fight for your happiness". Doesn't the word "Fight" imply anger and unsatisfaction to you? It implies determination too, but what happens when you finish the "fight for happiness"? Are you happy eternally?

I was unhappy before, when I first went back to the States alone without the companionship of my mother. My mother and I have never stayed apart for more than a semester. But after being by myself for two semesters, I met really friendly people and made a ton of trustworthy and fun friends. I met someone who gets me and we grew closer as time passed. I finally felt free and happy during my final semester in the US. However, that happiness was short-lived. Lots of family drama happened. I didn't want to leave the States but I made a promise with my mom to return to Singapore. I came back home with a heavy heart, hoping I could return to the States and complete my university education there. But I couldn't. My mom can't stand the thought of me leaving her ever again, especially the fact that I found someone who I like. She demanded me to cut off all ties with him because he's not worth it. She called me names like "cheap" and "slut". She gave me ultimatums like it's her or America. If I choose America, she'll kick me out of the house. She even gave me suicide threats if I ever decide to leave her. She strongly believes that I don't love her anymore, but she can't bear to watch me possibly suffer in America.

It's not that I don't love her anymore, which by the way, I do very much. It's just I've grown more independent. I can take care of myself. I can make my own decisions. I am willing to take responsibility for my own actions. I have more confidence in myself. I'm not a mommy's girl like I was before. I'm growing up. But my mom won't let me.

I feel trapped. Caged. Right now I'm staying in Singapore for her sake, and also because she's still supporting me financially. I want to find a job that I'm passionate about and earn my own money, but she keeps getting in the way. The jobs she basically wants me to take are the ones with her connections, like her old workplace, her friend's office, and her current workplace which is Kumon. I am fine by myself, I don't want to seem like a girl who still needs her mommy by her side to work. I did apply to a bunch of jobs on my own, but the job market is really competitive and nobody wants a teenager or a newbie.

Anyways, right now I'm preparing for my GED and SAT tests. I need a GED because I don't have my high school diploma and SATs because I didn't attend JC or Poly here in SG. My life in America has been dumped into a bin just like that, because of personal reasons. I am truly grateful to my mom for all the sacrifices in the past but I feel that her unconditional love, isn't truly unconditional. She keeps repeating her past deeds she has done for the family, how much she has suffered, how underprivileged she is and how unthankful all her kids are. She repeats them so many times to the extent that it sounds like she's bragging or asking something for return. It was her way of guilt-tripping me every time. Even though she admits that she doesn't want anything in return, she does. She wants me to do what she wants. She would threaten me with bad karma, saying "A disobedient child is an evil child" or "Making your mother unhappy is one way to go to hell." I get frightened by these thoughts because I believe in my religion. Thus, I end up giving in. I don't want to go to hell.

I'm sorry Ma, but I'm not that submissive and obedient little girl anymore.

I want to dye my hair blonde, purple, rainbow, all kinds of crazy colors.

I want to wear leggings with a crop top (She thinks it's slutty to wear like that).

I want to tattoo meaningful things on certain parts of my body.

I want to be free.

But then I realize, most of my wants require money. I ain't anything without money. So freedom... I can't attain freedom yet.

One day I will. One day I will break free.

My Answers to 7 Strange Questions: Q1

I was just "looking for my purpose in life", by typing that exact phrase into the Google search tab and clicking 'Enter'. I then came across an article entitled "7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose". Frankly, the questions aren't that strange or weird but they are thought-provoking and unique. Instead of the typical "What are you passionate about?" and "What are your goals?", this one fits the bill for determining what you NEED to do and WHAT to pursue the search of your "life purpose". Thus, let me now answer these 7 questions (individually because I don't wanna cram them all in a blog post & create an eye sore of words) and probably have a clear idea on what I actually want to define my life to be.

1. What is your favorite shit flavor of sandwich and does it come with an olive?
This question is basically asking, "What sort of crap are you willing to tolerate in order to achieve success?". Based on my previous experiences with rejections, I had my handmade crafts unappreciated or worse, thrown away plenty of times by my friends and family. My handicraft gifts would take a minimum of 5 hours to make and I take every one of my projects seriously. What's more, the fingers hurt the most after every project due to my lack of professional crafting equipment. But I was always left satisfied as well every time I finish a project. I would take pictures and admire my work and then boast about it on social media.

Another thing, I used to dream about being a YouTuber and I finally made my first scripted video, "How YouTubers Make Their Videos". It was basically me talking to the camera about reenacting famous YouTubers' taglines and their signature "funny" move. For instance, Jenna Marbles' constant swearing and Ryan Higa's ranting. However, after I posted the video on Facebook, I was laughed at in school the next day and thought to myself, "This was a mistake". That's when I made all my videos private and deleted my Youtuber dream from my memory of goals.

I think blogging could be one other thing I am passionate about too, because I have received tons of crap from friends and family about my other personal blog. About how insensitive I was towards other people's privacy, posting their pictures without their permission and other sort of crap like that. Even after all that, I still continued blogging my emotions out. I even blogged my mental breakdowns, my sorrows, my fears and my unhappiness. Basically, blogging saved me. I did delete that blog for a period of time because I realized how foolish I used to be, but then we all have a side of us we wish to hide but when that side of us is revealed, we feel much more lighter and at ease. So yeah, I am proud to be a blogger, regardless of what other people say.

Girls Are Like Apples on Trees (+ My Edition)

However, some girls can't 

Wait long enough. They start questioning themselves, 

Thinking whether the problem lies in them. When the girl on top

Notices a boy waiting below the tree, admiring her from afar. She knows the 

Boy is interested in her. When the boy hints at her to come down, She feels excited

and obliges, not actually knowing what the boy is actually like. She could have

Fallen for his trap, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. He didn't even attempt to

Climb up the tree. All he did was smile and wait. Could he think that

You're an easy target?

Or a fruit that is over-ripe

And will fall for him

Eventually, by itself.

I found the poem "Girls are like apple on trees" from Pinterest. I'm unsure on who the author is but I am assuming that this is written by a female because of the gentle tone in the poem and the simplistic writing style. I just wanted to add my edition on the comparison of girls and apples on trees based on my experience. I have waited the longest time for a guy to genuinely like me for who I am and share the same interests with me. Someone I can be myself around with, someone I can talk to and trust. Not someone hungry or desperate for me, tugging me climb down the tree with him by force. Not someone who lures me into his trap and plans to take advantage of me in the future without having to put in any effort. Maybe the bad things that occur to my tree are due to karma, or they're just obstacles my tree has to face to become stronger.

Stop obsessing, Mei. Don't worry about what's going on below.

Focus on yourself first. Stay on top. Be your best. 

Kanbatte.